~My Song, My Heart, My Life!

Closed doors, open doors, faith, worry, gumption, guts, and strength.

A lot of my life lately has been questions. What should I do? Where should I go? What does God want? What do I want? I just want to know if there are answers to any of them? I’m not sure there has been such a confusing time in my life! I’ve always known what to do, God has always shown me what to do. I feel like he has been silent lately, I can’t get any clear direction. Maybe he has been trying to tell me something I don’t want to hear. Or I am afraid to hear… 

It occurred to me yesterday that all the jobs I’ve been trying to apply for are not working out. Not a one of them. Its like God is just closing the doors, and keeping them closed. I have tried to keep all my job searching in the US, so I thought to myself yesterday, I haven’t tried jobs outside of the US. I wonder if those would work out? Maybe that is where God wants me to put my focus. 

Maybe I need to be asking God where he wants me to go. I want peace about the door that he opens. If he calls me to go to Japan or Korea I want confirmation and I want peace. I had crazy peace the last time I went to Japan. The issue is my job right now. I can’t stand my job, I’ve gotten so sick of it. I want to leave. That’s why I’ve been so desperate lately to get a job. And its also why I have been frustrated that nothing is working out. It means I have to stay where I am, I hate that. And I feel like God is working on that with me. The whole being content where I am because I can do all things through Christ. If I just ran away, I would not be able to get strong and gain character. And most of all wouldn’t learn to trust the Lord. This has been a trying time, my faith has been tested because I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to just give up and quit this job. Yet in my heart I know I can’t, no matter how much I don’t like it. 

So that leaves me where I am now. I am learning to trust the Lord, that is a very hard lesson. I know he has something great for me, I can’t begin to know. Its a ministry of some sort, I think, but I will just have to wait till he shows me. I have to keep reminding myself that God is never late, but always on time. And there is a reason why he keeps shutting the doors, apparently there is something specific he wants me to do. And there are doors that only he can open. He’s good like that, he can move and change hearts according to his will. Amazingly I am learning to just be patient, at peace, and content. Some days are worse than others but I am learning to just leave it all in God’s hands. After all this is said and done I am going to be proud of myself and my accomplishments. And especially proud of what God did in my life! ^_^ 

japanlove:

OMG A SPIDER WAS CRAWLING ON THE WALL RIGHT NEXT TO ME T_________T

This is hilarious. lol

“Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound…”

Grace is a beautiful thing. I didn’t fully understand it till tonight. My brain couldn’t fathom the concept, but in a matter of seconds God broke my lack of understanding and made me see what grace is. You must be thinking I’m crazy, I’m not. I know grace now, I know what it means. Grace is closeness, its intimacy with God. 

I struggle with sin as we all do. I have a tendency to try and get past my sin on my own. I try to overcome it by my own strength. Do you know what ends up happening, I get frustrated, angry, tired. Tonight was one of those nights, I felt like I was drowning in my sin, in my fleshly desires. I felt there was absolutely no way to get out, to be victorious. I was sick and tired of not succeeding. Because let’s be honest, who has ever succeeded in overcoming sin by themselves? Who has been able to get to God through their own actions of making themselves better? So here I am in my broken state, in my very clouded state of mind. And he shows me this verse: 

So I say, live by the Spirit and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature.  Gal.  5:16

I have been trying to figure out what this means, what does it really mean to “live by the Spirit”? Because I don’t want to gratify my sinful nature, I want to overcome it and be victorious. 

There is only one way to “live by the Spirit”, and that is to live under grace, not the law. I knew this in my mind that living under grace was the same as living by the Spirit. So what does it mean to live under grace?

It means instead of me trying to get to Jesus, he comes to me. I do things to try and get closer to him, to make myself better for him. That is being under the law, that is religion. All this time I have been going through a religious act. When it wasn’t about how much I could do, but how far He will come for me. It doesn’t matter how big the gap is, it doesn’t matter. He comes anyways. When I realized this truth, of just how close He is to me, I cried my eyes out. I realized I didn’t need to struggle anymore. No more frustration, anger, or tiredness. All that work I was trying to do was done by Christ on the cross. There was nothing left for me to do but to accept it, to accept the closeness and intimacy of Christ. 

I want to explain what I felt. I realized this and accepted, and it was like He invaded my space, my very heart. Suddenly He was so close to me, I felt Him near me but more than that He was inside of me. I felt like my heart was going to burst, it was so full. And all I could do was cry and shake and just be so consumed with Him. I could barely speak, I tried to speak, but no words would come. So I sat there with Him and just stayed like that. I got used to His presence, and His closeness, then it became a peaceful and healing balm. Thinking about it now gives me chills. I can explain just how close he felt. Maybe this way, I felt like it was deeper than my skin, even deeper than my heart, or even my soul. There is nothing on this earth that can do what He does for me, nothing at all. Indeed He is apart of me, we are joined in one spirit, together. 

So suddenly I question arose in my head:

Why was grace made? 

Because we can’t make it on our own. He saw that people were either leaving Him completely or wasting their time trying to get to Him by doing good works. And neither one of those are good or easy. So he sent His Son and grace was born. 

Romans 6:11-14 “In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires.  Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness.  For sin shall no longer be your master,because you are not under the law, but under grace.”

So you and I are not under the law, but grace. We are dead to sin because we are under grace. When you feel burdened by temptation or sin, and you just want to give into your flesh. Remember that living by the Spirit doesn’t mean trying to deal with your sin or trying to suppress your flesh by your own strength. In those crucial moments pray and ask the Holy Spirit to come close to you, to meet you where you are and be strong for you. Then you will have a strength you didn’t think you had and you won’t do what your flesh wants. This is how you are victorious, this is living by the Spirit or under grace. When you are victorious praise God for it, thank Him, be grateful to Him. Sit in His presence and show the enemy that you have won. Enjoy it, because the enemy hates it when we are enjoying ourselves in His presence. 

What if you were courageous and strong?

“Have I not commanded you?  Be STRONG (powerful, able, enduring, tough, secure, overpowering) and be COURAGEOUS (assured, fearless, fiery, gutsy, bold, brave, undaunted, venturesome). Do not be AFRAID (alarmed, anxious, dismayed, shocked, perplexed, terrified, upset, worried); do not be DISCOURAGED (daunted, glum, downcast, depressed, pessimistic), for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”   Joshua 1:9 

Opposite of afraid: bold, brave, composed, cool, courageous, valiant, heroic, confident.

Opposite of discouraged: encouraged, heartened, inspired, uplifted. 

I wrote this out and I thought to myself, “what if people did what this verse says?” What if people were strong, powerful, able, enduring, courageous, gutsy, fiery, etc. in there career endeavors, finances, teaching and raising their kids and other kids. What if they were all these things in loving others and themselves? And being kind, generous, welcoming, obedient?

What circumstances are you needing to be strong, powerful, secure, courageous, bold, brave, and undaunted in? If we are completely honest, ALL of us have those circumstances. Those circumstances can be mental, physical, emotional, etc.

There are addicts out there that need to be tough, enduring, powerful because that is how they will win the fight against their addiction.

There are people who need to be assured, fearless, and brave because that is the only thing that keeps them sane and together when a loved is terminally ill.

There are those who have to not be daunted, glum, terrified, or afraid even though they are victims of sexual, verbal, or physical abuse.

And yet still there are those who have to not be depressed, dismayed, anxious, and worried even though they have to take medication to help them not be the above.

There are plenty of people that hide in the shadows with their depression, anxiety, and loneliness. And its going to take guts, strength, courage, and boldness to come out of those shadows, into the light, where they can see there is hope. 

Indeed for ALL OF US, we will need courage to stand up in our circumstances, step out into the light, and realize that there is hope. And that hope is Jesus. True courage is not sitting in the shadows, being miserable, and waiting for God to come save you. No courage is taking a step of faith, no matter what you think or feel, no matter what is happening to you, and trusting that God will meet you as you as you step out, then catch and support you. Once you take that step you will realize that God was with you the entire time, even in the shadows, the pain, the heartache, the struggling, etc. Why? Read the scripture above. He said “For I, the Lord, will be with you wherever you go.”

So now your prayer should be this:

Have you not commanded me, Lord? Therefore I am strong, powerful, able, enduring, tough, secure, and overpowering in ALL of my circumstances. I am also courageous, assured, fearless, fiery, gutsy, bold, brave, undaunted, and venturesome with every good and bad circumstance that comes my way. Why am I like this? Why am I ALL of these things? Because you Lord were, are, and will be with me wherever I am, everywhere I was, in whatever place I find myself and you take me to. You are with me all over, inside and out, near and far, high and low, and throughout everything.  There is no reason, and indeed I am NOT afraid, alarmed, anxious, dismayed, shocked, terrified, or perplexed. Furthermore, I am NOT discouraged, downcast, daunted, glum, depressed, or pessimistic. Come what may, and let the enemy throw at me what he must, you have commanded me, therefore I am. 

Introducing, “So Random” as told by Anna Shika, during the wee hours of the morning! (-.-)Zzzzz

So its 3am, I am awake and I was praying and reading. There is nothing better to do at this time anyways. haha
 I was writing in my journal and started to read back through some old entries. I decided I wanted to put parts from some of them here. I don’t know why, I am just feeling inspired!!! And… I have nothing better to do. (^_-)

1-8-13 
“I need to have a peaceful mind.”

1-9-13 This is one of my favorite entries!!
Lord, deep within me is You! And You are strong and powerful. You are Mighty and Holy, bigger than anything else in this world, under this world, or above it. Since you are all these things, I am too because you live in me. I am strong and powerful because You are strong and powerful. I think to myself, “What will I do when the time comes? Will I be ready, will I be strong enough to do what you have called me to do? Up until now I have hesitated, been scared. But You say “When the time comes, you will be ready. There’s more inside you then you realize! Because of Me you are powerful and strong. You need not fear, I am for you. Nothing will defeat you! I know this isn’t ideal but its just a stepping stone to where I am bringing you.” I may not feel ready but I will be! Jesus your making me ready but your doing it Your way. Your going to use the foolish things of this world to confound the wise. It doesn’t matter what I got, or what I don’t got. You use EVERYTHING! Every weakness, every strength, every skill, every talent or every lack of talent. Every bit of me was made for a specific reason and specific time. I think I will be amazed at myself because Lord what You will do will be way beyond what I could ever imagine.

1-22-13 A poem:
Come to Me, Come to Me. There is something I want to give you. Rest in Me, receive My Peace. I see that you are weary, I see you are tired. Why stay away, just come to me.
For the moment don’t give, just receive from Me. Receive my yoke and let Me teach you. I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest. So just come, come to Me. Remember that I love you always. This was interesting to write because the concept of receiving from Christ is a tad foreign. I feel I need to give and give to him, yet he wants me to receive every now and again. Mainly because I need it, I need to receive certain things from Him.

1-25-13 
“Rather than begrudge your problem, explore it. Ponder it. And most of all, use it. Use it for the glory of God.” -Max Lucado  Proverbs 3:5-6- When this verse says to not lean on my own understanding, it means to lean on Your understanding. Your understanding and thoughts and ways that are far greater and higher than mine. I am not going to think in terms of impossible. Because I know all things are possible for those who believe. And I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

So basically I needed to get out my thoughts, now that I have done that, I am tired. I am going to sleep now. -_- Zzzz